


More than word

by boobooyt



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP
Genre: Angst, Depressing, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-22
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-09-11 03:21:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8951965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boobooyt/pseuds/boobooyt
Summary: they were together for so long and yet they were also not together





	

**Author's Note:**

> Old fic. editing. First published January 2013. Greatly inspired by a Korean movie called More than blue

I met him in my second year of high school. He was my classmate and he sat next to me. I wasn't good with people, socially awkward and tend to ignore people so at first I didn’t know him. Since that day, though, he was the only important person to me and the only one who I cared in this world. He was my only friend and family.

***

That day, he talked to me because we were assigned as partner in biology. After the teacher left, he turned his head to me and called me “Yuuto-kun~”

“I’m Yamada Ryosuke. Yoroshiku Onegaishimasu.” He said to me while smiling and extending his hand. His smile, at the time, was the most beautiful smile I ever saw in my life. I was captivated by his smile and ended up frozen so didn’t take his hand. Despite that, he casually took my hand, shook it. Now that I think about it, he was the only one who called me Yuuto-kun until now. No one ever called me with my first name beside him.

After the school ended, he approached me and said that he wanted to go to my house and started working on our project. He took my hand and dragged me outside. I couldn’t say anything and just followed him. Ignoring the fact that he knew where I lived.

While doing our project, he kept talking about a lot of things. It seemed like he never ran out of topics to talk about. I wasn't good at talking, so I just listen to him and watched him expressing himself. Fascinating.

“I’m hungry.” he said after two hour.

“Uh… Should… Should I make you something?” I nervously asked, felt panic. I wasn't good at cooking, but I could do it.

“I would be happy.” he replied while smiling. Heart was thumping.

I went to the kitchen and started cooking. I was too immersed in cooking and not realizing that he was standing behind me. I jumped a bit when I turned around and found him behind my back. “You scared me” I said to him.

“Sorry… But I want to help you.”

“It’s okay. I can do it my self.” I think he knew that I’m not a good cook so he offered to help me but he was my guest so I rejected it. He insisted, “Eh, I can cook too you know. Let me help you.” In the end, I let him.

After he said that, he took the knife and started chopping the vegetables. He could do it and a lot better than me. Because of his help the foods taste better than the foods I had been making all this time.

"Delicious…” I exclaimed after tasting the foods. He just smiling at me and continue eating his foods.

“Yuuto-kun, how about we live together?” he suddenly said in the middle of our eating. I was surprised at his words and choked my foods. He went over to me, hand me a glass of water as his other hand was patting my back.

“I think this house is too big for you to live alone. When you get sick, no one will take care of you. Should we live together? I can help you with the cooking too.” He looked at my eyes. I could see that he was sincere. Without knowing I already nodded my head. I didn’t even ask why he knew that I lived alone. I guess I was being charmed by him at that moment and deep down in my heart I wanted someone to live with me. I was lonely.

***

A few days later he already moved in and we started living together. Living with him made me learn more about him. His parents were dead when he was 7 years old and he lived with his relative after that. He was uncomfortable living with his relative, so he lived on his own when he entered high school. He was a good looking person. He was handsome and pretty at the same time. He was sociable and had a lot of friends. He was good at sports especially soccer. He had a good voice and he could play saxophone. He had the charm to attract people to him and that was the reason why he loved by many, both girls and boys.

He was a strawberry maniac. He loved every thing if it had strawberry in it. He also loved sweets. Being a good cook as he was, he often made cakes, crepes and other sweets. He made them for the two of us, strawberry for him and chocolate for me. We would sit in our veranda, looking at the sky while having sweets and talking about many things. One thing that changes after we live together was I become more talkative when I was alone with him.

We were surprisingly had a lot of similar tastes. We loved sweets, we disliked caffeine, we loved jazz, we loved watching romantic movies, we disliked scary stuff and we loved stars. We always had a quality time to talk or watch DVD or play music or look at the stars or just enjoying each other presence side by side on the sofa.

We were happy living together. When he was sick, I was always by his side, holding his hand. When I was sick, he was doing the same to me. He cooked for me, I cooked for him. He comforted me when I was sad or down and I comforted him when he was sad or down. He was happy being with me and I was happy being with him. He liked me and I loved him.

It had been 10 years since we lived together. We worked in the same company, an entertainment magazine company. I worked as photographer while he worked as reporter in music section. Even though we always meet each other at home and at work, I never once feel annoyed about it. I was thankful that I could still be with him, watching him, looking at his smile, listen to his rambling, and loving him.

It was impossible for me to say “I love you” to him. Not because we are both men but also because I was sure that I can never make him happy. I had brain cancer, the same disease as my father’s. It had been 3 years since I discovered this illness. My life was short and I would die soon. I was happy that I could have him all these years. I wanted to make good memories with him so I didn’t tell him about my illness. I didn’t want him to worry about me. I didn’t want him to take pity on me.

Over the past 3 years, I lived only with medicines. I refused to take surgery because if I took it, I wouldn’t know if I could still live after the surgery. I didn’t want to leave him alone. Not until I find someone who could take care of him in my place. Not until he find his happiness. Above of all, I wanted him to be happy. I didn’t want him to live all alone again like he used to be. Even though he looked strong, he was fragile inside. He hated living on his own. He hated loneliness... just like me.

***

Lately he always drank too much and get drunk. One day he went home, all drunk after having a meeting with his co-workers in music section. He was asleep when one of his co workers sent him home. I guided him to his room and put him on his bed. After covered him with a blanket, I stared at his sleeping face and caressed his face. “You should stop drinking too much. What if no one wants to marry you after she know that you always get drunk? You should stop it so you can find a good woman, marry her, have babies and have a happy family. You have to be happy Yama-chan so I can leave you without regrets.” I said softly and kiss his forehead.

***

I just put my butt at the sofa and close my eyes, all tired after the long photo shoot. I opened up my eyes when I felt someone caressed my face. I found him sitting beside me. “Have you eaten?” He asked. I shook my head

“I make a curry. Do you want some?”

“Sure”

He went to the kitchen to reheat the curry. I followed him and sat on our dining table. He placed a plateful of curry rice in front of me in a few minutes. “It’s good as always” I said after I put a spoonful of curry rice in my mouth.

“Of course. I’m the one who make this. I also made puddings, let’s eat it together after you finish eating.”

“Alright”

After I finish the curry rice, he cleaned the dishes while I changed my outfit to a more comfortable one. He already waited for me in the veranda. He sat on the sofa in the veranda with a strawberry pudding on his hand. I take the chocolate pudding and sat beside him.

“The stars are so pretty tonight” He rested his head at my shoulder.

“Yuuto-kun, I think I fall in love” He continued. I felt my body stiffened a bit when I heard that.

“Who is the lucky girl?” I asked as calmed as I can.

“A radio dj. Her name is Kawaguchi Haruna. I met her last week. I interviewed her for our column.”

“And you fall in love with her after less than a week?” I could feel the slight nod.

“What kind of girl is she?” I asked, curious.

“She is smart, pretty and cute. She has a beautiful long hair. We have a lot of similar interest too. It was fun talking with her.” He said enthusiastically, I could feel that he was indeed love her.

“So, how many times have you met her?”

“We just met twice, but tomorrow, I’ll meet her again and I’m planning to ask her out. I will introduce you to her if she accepts me.” I almost choked my pudding but fortunately I managed to fake it as a cough so he didn’t notice it.

“I’m sure she’ll accept you.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because she is stupid if she rejects you.” Yeah, she is stupid if she rejected you because you were wonderful. I would love to give anything just to have you forever. But it was impossible. He suddenly hugged me tight and said “I like you”

“I like you too” I hugged him back, patting his shoulder. We stayed like that for a while, not saying anything.

***

I was happy when I found out that he fell in love with someone. But as much I was happy for him, my heart was still crushed. It was painful to see him talked to her with a really gentle voice and sparkle on his eyes. She accepted him that day when he asked her and not long after that, he introduced me to her. She was really a pretty and smart woman. She had a good background as well. The most important thing, I could see that she loved him. I felt both relieved and disappointed at the same time. Disappointed because she was going to take him away from me and relieved because finally I could leave him without worries. They'd get married in two months.

My time was running out. My doctor said that my cancer was worsening and I only had 6 months left. He told me when I once again lied on the hospital because I fainted. My doctor knew that I didn’t want to undergo surgery or chemotherapy because of him.

“Don’t you think you should tell him now?”

“It’s okay sensei. I don’t want him to know.”

“I’m sure he wants you to tell him”

“I know sensei, but I just can’t tell him. I thought of telling him many times but the words won’t come out.”

“He will really shock when he learn about your illness.”

“He won’t know because he will get married in two months. He will move out from our house. I'm going to make excuse that I need to study overseas. So sensei, please send him something on his anniversary and his birthday in my place. After two years, I’m sure he will live happily with his wife and forget about me.”

“I can’t promise you that Yuto.”

“Please sensei?”

“I’ll try but I can’t promise”

“Thank you...”

***

The next day would be the day for his marriage. I still hadn’t tells him yet that I'm going to further my study, overseas, or pretending going overseas to be exact. I helped him packed his last stuff in our home and after, we were sitting on the veranda, enjoying our last time together.

“Yama-chan… Congratulation for your marriage...” I began.

“Thank you”

I hesitated before finally I said, “I... have something to tell you”

“What is it?”

I paused, before saying “I will be going overseas next week”

He turned around to look at me, shock was all over his face, “Suddenly?”

“My senior told me about this scholarship last month and I’ve been preparing about this since then. That’s why I couldn’t help you with your wedding preparation. Sorry” I lied.

He shook his head. “It’s okay. You always want to study overseas didn’t you? I’m happy that finally you have the opportunity to pursue your dream.” He curved a smile, but I could see that his eyes were sad and tears were start forming in his eyes. He pulled me in, buried his face on my chest and crying silently.

“I’m sorry that I lie. I wish you will always happy Yama-chan.” I said in my heart and my tears falling.

***

A week after the wedding, Yuuto was hospitalized. He spent the rest of his life there.

\----******----

 

I was sitting on the swing at the park when I saw a boy around my age was crying and running after a car. He stopped in front of the park, still crying. I could hear he said “Mom… mom... don’t leave me.”

I saw him crying for about an hour before he turned around and left. I didn’t know why but without knowing I already followed him. He arrived at a house with Nakajima’s name in the front gate.

The next day, I saw him in my school. Curious, I followed him to his class. I found out that his name was Nakajima Yuto. His dad was dead because of illness and his mom left him. I didn’t know why but I was attracted to him. Maybe because we both were orphan, and we were alone in this world.

***

On my second year of high school, we became classmate. I thought it was fate, so I beg my biology teacher to let me partner up with him. I felt the urge of wanting to be closer to him. I wanted to know him more. I didn’t want him to be lonely because I knew that being alone was really painful. That was why I tried to make as many friends as I could all this time. Although sadly no one could really become my true friend. But somehow I had a feeling that he could be my true friend and my family.

After the biology teacher announced the team for biology project, I talked to him. He looked surprise when I introduced my self. He was shocked when I said that I wanted to go to his house to start working on our project. But nevertheless he didn’t say anything and just followed me to his house. He didn’t ask me why I know where he lived.

I knew that he was not a good cook because I often saw him buying onigiri or bento or ramen in the convenience store. I did know he cooked a bit since sometime he bought groceries.

He was shocked when I asked him to live together. It was out of the blue but I was really sincere. I had been thinking about this and finally I decided to just asked him. He was shocked but he agreed to live with me. I was really happy at that time.

***

I was glad to ask him to live together. He started smiling and laughing. He also started to open his heart to me. He started talking about a lot of things with me. He became livelier.

***

We lived just fine together, until one day I noticed that he took a lot of medicines. He said those were vitamins because he had a weak body. I didn’t believe him since He frequently threw up and fainted. I kept asking him, but he still didn’t want to tell me the truth.

I sneaked in to his room when he went out of town and forgot to lock his door. I searched for his medical record.

I felt like my world was collapsing when I found out that he had brain cancer. I cried all night. I was so frustrated and cursing why was life so unfair to us? I couldn’t imagine my world without him. I couldn’t live without him.

I love him.

All these time.

***

Feeling frustrated about his brain cancer, I started drinking. I always went home all drunk for a few days. One night, he said that I should stop drinking too much because by doing so, I would never get a wife. He wished that I could get a wife soon so he could leave me without worries. He thought that I wa sleeping, but the truth was I was awake when I arrived at home. I cried silently after he kissed my forehead and left my room. I didn’t want a wife. I just wanted you, you fool.

***

I wanted him to be happy so I granted his wish, finding a wife. I found her few weeks later. She was a radio dj. She was smart, elegant and pretty. I’m sure that he would approve her as well. It wasn't that hard to ask her out because I knew that she liked me.

I told Yuto about her at one night. I knew that his body was stiffened when I told him. I also knew that he tried to keep his composure. That night I told him that I like him. And he replied that he also liked me.

“You fool, I know that you love me and I also love you. Why you have to make us like this?” I wanted to say this but I couldn’t.

***

He fainted again. I was worried sick. I was afraid that this time he would leave for real. Since the day I knew about his brain cancer, every time he fainted I would be worried like crazy and felt relieved when I knew that he was okay. All the worry and relieve had made me crazy.

I arrived at the room and about to open it when I heard his conversation with his doctor. I wanted to entered the room and tell him that I know everything so he didn’t need to lie anymore but again my body and my mind said that his wish was for me to not know anything.

I restrained my self, again.

***

The night before my wedding, he helped me packed my stuff and after that we sat on the veranda. He congratulated me for my wedding. He told me about his lie. I gave him a smile saying that I was happy for him to get a step closer to his dream.

My heart betrayed me, though. It was aching so much that I cried.

That night I cried my heart content in his chest. I didn’t want to leave him. I didn’t want him to die. I wanted to be with him forever. I wanted to say that I love him.

***

A week after my wedding he was hospitalized. I visited him every day. When it was day time, I watched him from a far. When it was night time, I stayed beside him. I told the nurses and doctors not to inform him about my presence.

One night, I fell asleep in his room. When I open my eyes, I saw him looking at me.

“Did I wake you up?” I shook my head.

“Since when did you know?”

“It’s been a while”

“I’m sorry that I have to lie to you”

I shook my head again “It’s okay, I understand.”

“You should go home. Haruna-san will worry.”

“It’s okay, she’ll understand”

“You are lucky to have such understanding wife.”

“I know”

“Yama-chan” He reached for my hand.

“Un…”

“Thank you for always taking care of me and always by my side. I’m happy that I meet you and live with you.”

“Me too.”

“I love you Yama-chan” He finally said that, I felt like my heart was beating too fast.

“I love you too Yuuto…”

He gave me a weak smile. “I’m tired, I want to sleep.”

“Just sleep, I’ll be here.” I patted his hand and leaned in to kiss him on the lips.

***

The next morning Yuuto was never awake from his sleep.

After few months, Yamada couldn’t take his feeling of losing Yuuto and decided to take his life.d


End file.
